English Ceilidh Library: Dance Partners

The English Ceilidh Library Classic Texts

Dance Partners

by Steve Harris

From time to time, we all fail to end up on the dance floor with someone we want to dance with. Sometimes we're left sat down when we would really like to be up dancing with just about anybody. This guide is intended to help.

Note that this is not really an dance etiquette guide. In places, you may find it sexist, unfair and at variance with how you believe dance floors should operate. It's much more realistic than that! It is written in the context of English Ceilidh but I find much of it applies on other dance scenes.

You'll notice that in most of what follows, I assume that men ask women to dance. Yes, I do know there are are alternative arrangements. To take account of that all the way through would be tedious. I have put in a few bits about woman asks man, etc. where it seems relevant.

Things you really need to know...

Men have 15 seconds
Show the Lady
Don't beat around the bush
A Woman's guide to answering offers of a dance
Hazards of booking dances ahead
Finding keen dance partners

Rule One: Men have 15 seconds

There is one very important concept that governs a lot of partner selection behaviour. Nearly everything flows from it and although it's about men, women do need to understand it.

Men have about a 15 second window in which to arrange a dancing partner

I'm sure at this point, someone will come along and tell me about the time, back in 1993, when they found the most marvellous dancing partner three minutes after everyone else was partnered up. I'm glad you got lucky.

The most obvious consequence of Rule One is that men should get themselves sorted for a partner quickly. It also has very important implications for women ...

Rule Two: Show the Lady

Women! If you hide down the back of the hall ten rows deep in some seats, you will get very few offers. That's because the men operating Rule One don't have time to race to back of the hall and clamber over seats to get within asking distance. Instead get as close to the man/men you want to dance with as possible. Where to find them - see here. Always do your best to look like you are ready to answer "Yes!" to offers of a dance.

Shoes, Clothes and Flesh for women: The higher your heels, the less dance offers you'll get from keen dancers. High heels are (perhaps wrongly) considered the badge of a woman who wants to be seen rather than to dance well. An accident with a high heeled partner could ruin a man's dancing for weeks. Low or no heels will suggest to some men that you know what you are doing on the dance floor. The same applies to clothes to some extent. It's not a bad idea to be reasonably eye catching but if you overdo it, men keen to dance may think you are more interested in being seen. If you bare your midriff or shoulders, many men will be wary of touching you there and may decide it's simpler to ask someone else to dance.

Rule Three: Don't beat around the bush

Men, ask women for a dance directly. Don't waste time talking about the weather first. Go up to her and ask "Do you want this dance?" (Note: Don't ask for the next dance. I've seen it misunderstood, ask for this dance) Dealing with the answer is less straightforward:

Answer	Comments, interpretation
An immediate "Yes"	Looks like you are sorted
An immediate "No"	Slightly less good. Gives you time to look for alternatives
Mumbling, indecision, long explanations about needing to comb a puma in Leicester next Friday, etc.	Treat as a "No" Do not hang around for the end of the story or to clarify the answer. You haven't got time. Remember Rule One !

A Woman's guide to answering offers of a dance

In this day and age, answering "No thank you" is acceptable. Really! Do not explain. If a man stops to listen to your explanation, he may end up without a partner at all due to Rule One . If there is a particular reason why you want a man to understand your refusal, find him again soon when he is not in the 15 second window and tell him then. Even better, go up to him later in the evening and offer to do the next dance with him.

Be aware of the affect of saying "No"

If you say no several times to a particular man - especially on consecutive occasions - he may decide you don't want to dance with him ever. You may or may not want that to happen
If you say no to one man and then accept an offer from another for the same dance, the first man may take it personally and never ask you to dance again. You may or may not want that to happen
If you say no to an offer of a dance, other men may be aware and not bother ask you now or possibly later. Remember, they may be operating Rule One
Every time you are seen up and dancing, men will notice you as someone interested in actually dancing. Often, you will be closer to someone who will ask you for the next dance. So get on that dance floor - ask another woman for a dance if no man approaches you as a wallflower. Or ask a man you know. Or one you don't!

What to do after saying "yes"

Dance floors can be noisy places and your "yes" may not have even been heard. Move towards the dancing area with the man. Possibly take his hand.

Do not back out from the dance you have accepted for any reason whatsoever! It usually results in the man being partnerless and sitting down for 10-15 minutes instead of dancing. Keen dancers will avoid unreliable partners.

Booking dances ahead

Summary: Don't do it! It causes all sorts of problems.

You might think that booking up the next 3 or 4 partners is a neat way of avoiding all the stress of Rule One. Here's what often happens in practice:

Tom knows he is booked for this dance with Mary but can't see her anywhere. Does he search further, assume she's gone to the loo and try to find an alternative partner at a late stage or just write that dance off?
Mary forgets that she's booked with Tom, accepts an offer from Dick and then Tom finds her ...
The caller may tell dancers to stay where they are at the end of a dance. It's not clear whether Tom and Mary are supposed to be doing that dance together or not. If they are, Mary's partner from the first dance may not find out about that until quite late and lose out on any partners.
Some women offer "Next one" because they don't like saying "No". Sometimes, the next dance can in fact be claimed from these ladies. Quite often they will have left or accepted another partner. If you're the person offering "Next Dance", be aware that some people may think you mean "No, never" and find someone else for the next dance.

Suggested gambits:

Tom: Would you like this dance?
Mary: I'm doing it with Dick, then I'm dancing with Harry, you can have the one after that
Tom: Oh no, that's too complicated, I'll find you again later

Believe me, she WILL be available without a queue later. Even spectacularly attractive girls work their way through those prepared to queue quite quickly.

Tom: Can I book you for five dances time?
Mary: That's far too organized! DO look out for me and ask again when you've got through all those other women!

Tom: Would you like this dance?
Mary: How about the next one?
Tom: Sorry, I'm booked for that, I'll catch you later.

Booking named dances ahead

E.G.: "Can I book you for Rosza?"

In some circumstances, it can work. Some (good) callers will announce "Bring your partners on the floor for Rosza" right at the start of the 15 second window and you can get the right people together reliably. If the caller likes to keep the name of dance a secret until the last moment, you end up on the floor with the wrong partner. Quite likely, someone will end up with no partner.

Suggested gambit:

Tom: Can I book you for Rosza?
Mary: No but I'm free for this dance now whatever it is.

Booking the last dance

First, a clarification: "Last dance" generally means the last formal called dance. There is a a moderately strong convention of couples with a relationship off the dance floor dancing it together. The "last dance" is usually followed by a "final polka" where partner selection is more random. So, providing both parties and the caller play attention to the clock, it can work. But it's safer to use this gambit:

Tom: Can I book you for the last dance?
Mary: Book me, no, but if you're the first to ask me at the time, that would be lovely.

The problems of avoiding particular dances

A woman may wish to avoid a particular dance, or figure altogether or wish to do it only with a particular partner. It's difficult, consider these example responses to offers of a dance:

"Yes, but not if it's Rosza, I'm doing that with Tom"
"Yes, but with my back, not anything with a dip and dive

The problem with these from the man's point of view is that he may find himself without a partner when it's too late to get another. A possible response to the Rosza Exclusion is, "No then, I'll ask you again when Rosza has been done". The problem doesn't arise if the caller always announces the name of the dance promptly. The caller can also help the woman who wants to avoid certain figures. Callers are quite human and if you explain the difficulty they might decide not to use the figure at all. Or maybe they'll tell you which dances are going to be suitable. Or maybe even announce, "Mary, this is one for you"!

Dancing with the same partner a lot

I am told that in some cultures, to ask a woman for a third consecutive dance is tantamount to an offer of marriage. Although that's not the case with English Ceilidh, lots of consecutive dances may suggest to that a relationship off the dance floor is starting or in existence. The result is often that the woman gets ever fewer dance offers from other men. That may or may not be what she wants. I'd suggest that a woman who'd like to dance with a variety of partners doesn't do more than two consecutive dances with any one man. Perhaps the best advice for the beginner is to assume that you will be changing partners after the current dance.

Women doing the asking (and other arrangements)

Women can and do ask men to dance. Much of the foregoing applies. It's useful to both men and women if only because it exposes them to the experience of the other sex. Women also ask women. Men asking men is rare although it is growing amongst the younger generation. A couple of specific points:

Women asking men should accept a refusal with good grace. Man are allowed to say "No"
Women dancing with women at a dance where there is a shortage of women may receive many offers from pairs of men to "split them up"

Asking "another man's woman" to dance

In some places, asking a woman for a dance when she is the life partner of another man is considered aggressive and could get you beaten up. Even if you had no clue such as a wedding ring to guide you. Such problems are quite rare in English Ceilidh but a few tips:

If you choose amongst the more enthusiastic dancers, the chances of trouble are minimized
One off rural dances and some festival ceilidhs may attract people who are not really into dancing at all. They are more likely to misinterpret you asking a woman to dance.
Some men who don't want to dance may be very happy for you to show their wife a good time on the dance floor
Dancing ONCE with someone's wife/girlfriend may persuade the man to get on the dance floor for the first time in his life. He may have a great time, discover a new hobby and thank you. Seriously!

Finding keen dance partners

Everyone at a ceilidh is keen to dance. Er, not necessarily. A few points:

Some regular ceilidh series do have a high proportion of people wanting to dance. A typical "ceilidh series" happens once a month during the Winter and Spring on the Nth Saturday
One off fund raiser ceilidhs (..in aid of the XXX appeal) can be a bit of a desert. People attend to support the cause.
Festival ceilidhs (ceilidh events that are part of a folk festival) are rather mixed. Some people will be there because they don't like the concert act and since they have a season ticket, they might as well get a drink at the bar in the ceilidh marquee.
Late night ceilidhs at festivals may be the only event available at that time. So people who don't want to go to bed go to the ceilidh.
Enthusiastic dancers tend to congregate near the band. And if (as in some marquees) the floor slopes, they'll gather at the top of the slope. If you want to find a dancing partner, hunting in this area is a very good idea both for men and women.

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