"Use the Force Luke."

No thanks, I'll use this steering wheel -- it cost a fortune.

"Then move the slider, Luke... totally linear input is the Jedi's Way."

But Master, my arms tremble with fear under braking. There'll be Force all over the hay bales if I use totally linear input!

"Fear not. Trust in yourself. Be fast Luke, be *fast*!"

<Luke grits teeth>

<moves slider away from the middle of the scale, all the way to the left>

<clicks green buttons>

<time passes, usually sideways, with smoking tyres and much swearing>

Master!

"Luke?"

Fetch Yoda quickly! I'm upside down.

"Upside down? A Jedi must learn to see the world from all angles. Seek not to turn the world when all that needs turning is your perception of what is correct, Luke."

<closes eyes>

<tries to reposition sensory expectations>

<opens eyes>

Master?

"What now?"

I'm still upside down.

"Very well then, you may Sh'ftah yourself... but only this one last time, mind."

But my mother said...

"Sh'ftah, Luke! I made no mention of warts and hairy palms."

Oh, sorry master, I can't.

"Ah, I have taught you well, my son. The Force is strong in you, you can no longer bear to cheat."

Er, sorry Master. My Sh'ftah's been playing up for days. I think I've worn it out. Can you fetch me a spare keyboard?

Keyboard problems? Look no further! In conjunction with Papyrus Software and whoever decided Win95 keys were a good idea, we here at Ronco are *proud* to announce the GPL Recovery Keyboard. Seventeen SHIFT keys to choose from! A massive *twenty-nine* R keys! You'll never run out of recovery keys again! And of course, like all Ronco's other products, it dices carrots and mashes potatoes for you! You'll never want to use another keyboard again -- we guarantee it!

<two thonged lap dancers jiggle onscreen carrying a sample keyboard and a bowl of steaming potatoes. One tips the potatoes onto the floor (bending gratuitously towards the camera in the process). The other places the keyboard gently on top of the potatoes. Holding each other for support, the girls step carefully onto the keyboard, then jump up and down repeatedly. The potatoes probably get mashed, but who's waTcjiNg?>

"Hah hmmm!"

Eh? What?

"Luke, if you carry on dribbling like that you'll drown in your helmet. You're still upside down, remember? Here's that new keyboard."

<car drops to track right way up>

<A bead of dribble forms on Luke's chin. He starts to wipe it away>

"No Luke. See how your drool follows the path of least resistance."

<Luke goes cross-eyed trying to stare at his chin>

"Watch it drip onto your cheap nylon overalls and run down the creases, seeking a final harmonious resting place. Let your car be that drool Luke. Let it seek the creases in the track as surely as... what's wrong now?"

<Luke pouts> My leg's wet Master.

"Stop whining. Next you'll be starting a thread about how unfair it is you're a cr*p driver!"

Sorry Master. I promise I'll... Master?

<His bearded tutor struggles in the grip of a predictable tall black figure whose gloved hand is clamped over the old Jedi's mouth>

<insert sound effects>

HEAR ME LUKE. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE OLD FOOL! HE WOULD HAVE YOU WALK BAREFOOT IN A LAND OF SHOE SHOPS AND JANUARY SALES!

Father, are you being cryptic again? I thought the suppositories and bran supplements were supposed to sort that out.

LUKE, LISTEN TO ME! NON-LINEAR INPUT IS THE TRUE PATH. IT IS FOOLHARDY TO IGNORE HELP WHEN IT IS THERE TO BE TAKEN.

But father, he says it leads me into bad habits. How shall I know which is the true path? And none of that drool cr*p, all right?

FOLLOW YOUR HEART, LUKE. LET YOUR BASE, ANIMAL SELF FLOOD YOUR CONSCIENCE WITH HORMONAL INSTINCT, AND...

<the young Jedi closes his eyes, envisages the slider moving slightly away from its linear extreme, lets slip the clutch, and...>

BL**DY FOOL! YOU COULD'VE RUN US BOTH OVER! YOU OK OBI?

"Nothing broken."

<the old Jedi brushes dust from his cloak>

<Darth sighs as he notices his armour's got scuffed>

WELL OBI, YOU THINK HE'LL BE OK NOW?

"B*gger him Vader, where did those lap dancers go?"

<cue theme tune>

<cue sunset>

<cue hero driving into distance... then a ditch>

<cue credits>

Key Grip: Andrew McP

SUBTITLES: Moved slider from middle to full linear... spent an hour sliding off the track but *nearly* holding it together. Put slider a little over to the right, tried again and within five laps I *finally* manages a 1:09.80, my first sub-1:10 after a load of 1:10.19/23/64/83 steps over the last few days. God knows where I'll get another three seconds from, but by heck it's fun trying!