Two into one doesn't go... not unless you're Jenna Jameson

<fx: Alec Guinness holds the flag at Watkins Glenn as drivers settle into their cars ready for the race to start. He's wearing a Ronco T-shirt with the slogan "Sh'ftah Keyboards: More Rs than a Pamela Anderson video!">

<Alec looks down at the small green figure tugging his shirt>

"Ready, Obi, to race they are."

Guinness sneers. "Tell me this Yoda. How come that despite your mastery of the Force and being older than most small planets you *still* can't, the english language, bl**dy speak!"

"Meow! Bitchy we are!"

<Guinness kicks Yoda into a bush. Yoda bounces off it at about 400mph and shoots up into low earth orbit. This has nothing to do with Force Air Bag Technology (TM) and everything to do with Sierra's idea of livening up Papyrus's physics engine>

Guinness closes his eyes and concentrates. After passing wind his thoughts turn to his disciple instead. "Are you prepared Luke?"

Three rows back on the grid, Luke's still trying to wedge his knees onto the car's narrow cockpit.

"You still haven't got the hang of that Lotus position have you Luke."

No Master. But it's more comfortable than doing it in the BRM.

"Perhaps Luke, but when I said: 'have you tried it in the BRM', I wasn't referring to something which required an enema first. Now, remember what's important for the race."

No cheating? But the Ronco sponsorship means I have to Sh'ftah at least twice while the cameras are on me. I'll try not to go off accidentally, but...

"No Luke, I accept we have to honour our sponsorship agreements. But choose your moments, go off cleanly... no need to take out half the field. It's bad publicity, we'll leave that to your father's team of amateurs."

<Luke mutters something under his breath about missing out on the condom sponsorship. Darth's Daredevils in the Orgasmic Murasmic Team got all the best TV adverts, even if they could only be shown after 11pm on the Playboy Channel>

"Sour grapes again Luke?"

No Master, it's just the way these overalls ride up.

<Luke glances over to the pit lane, where Vader is surrounded by a dozen scantily clad Playboy Bunnies. The girls wave to their Murasma drivers in a way which suggests big bonuses and a long session of off-road performance tuning. Nearby the two ex-lap dancers from Obi's Online Ronco Roadsters were doing their best to compete and inspire Luke.

Sadly, since appearing in the original Ronco Sh'ftah keyboard advert, one girl had been supplementing her income by crash testing new McDonald's menus, and the other was halfway through a mail order sex change. So the sight of a jiggling 300lb in a thong, and a 140lb girl with a small bald patch, moustache, and a hairy 36DD chest was only likely to inspire a thousand new pay websites >

"So Luke, concentrate on staying on the track until your tyres are warm. The race isn't won..."

...till the fat lady sings, yes we've been through that before once or twice. I seem to remember it comes just after the bit about choosing a conservative setup for racing and just before the bit about not eating pretzels in the car.

<Obi sighs and shakes his head. After a year's racing he was beginning to wonder if it was time for a change of driver... R2D2's legs didn't reach the pedals, and his little probe wouldn't reach the wheel, but he was cheap to run and wouldn't trash any cars travelling at 0mph. Ok, he wouldn't win any races either, but then neither did Luke, who was more expensive than R2D2 even though he only worked for peanuts...ok, pretzels>

"Use the Force Feedback Luke. Telegraph your intentions to the drivers around you. Give them time to react, and if they don't react, play it safe. There will always be other chances!"

<There's a long silence as the countdown continues>

"Luke?"

<The young Jedi wakes with a start>

Oh, sorry. Must've dozed off. Fascinating chat... wonderful. Really inspiring.

<Guinness raises the green flag>

"Take nothing for granted Luke, GL!"

<Luke revs the throttle, feels the chassis move with the barely harnessed power vibrating through his seat. The flag stays high. The crowd cheers. The flag...>

<...drops!>

Gently does it! mutters Luke, easing off the grid with the well behaved pack. He stays on the left hand side of the track, accelerates gently into turn one as the cars ahead start to pull away slightly. The driving line's clear, the car behind him's dropped back a bit. He glances to the right. No car. Checks the mirrors, still accelerating, eases gently onto the racing line before it crosses onto his side of the track. The mirror's clear...then suddenly it's full of car!>

<sounds of two cars meeting (it's like the sound of one hand clapping, but with more fingers... raised in a "V")>

"Oh Luke!" sighs Obi, putting his head in his hands (a case of one-upmanship, Vader only removed hands).

Oh bollox! mutters Luke, ashamed as his out of control car bounces away from the predictable pile up.

"Oh Ro-me-o-o-o!" cries Mindy McCready, as a bit of internet static bursts through from MTV's website.

"Oh you great steaming piece of shyte!" cry half a dozen drivers.

Luke, blushing, makes a brief apology and quits out of embarrassment.

Andrew McPileofshyte... who thought his T1 crashing days were over.

PS This post was sponsored by Lucas Arts and is available for download from all major websites, slowing the internet to a crawl and generating much free publicity at the expense of other net users. It was inspired by the bloke on BBC 24 Hour news who said "Why release the film on May 19th? Surely 'May the 4th' would have been the perfect date?" (Might not be an original quote, but it was the 1st time I'd heard it... made me LOL)