Sounding Off - February 1994

Last month I answered my door to two smartly dressed men. No, they weren't plain-clothes officers; they introduced themselves as concerned residents, out canvassing people's views on the state of society. Was I aware of the degree of famine, earthquakes, pestilence, mass-murder, petty crime, drug abuse, immorality, profanity and perversion now rampant? I was forced to admit that, since I'd moved in to Carshalton Beeches such things had become endemic. They then explained that, while bad in themselves, these were also signs of the imminent end of the World. What a bummer, I said. Was there any way I could survive this impending cataclysm? No problem, they assured me; just go easy on the sinning and accept Jehovah as the Lord. I told them I'd think about it and give them my considered answer in a week's time. With this, they gave me a complimentary copy of Awake!, and moved on.

Awake! is a 32-page, slightly larger than A5 colour magazine carrying articles on contemporary issues, fashion, science and the arts, examined in a scriptural context. The copy before me has a piece on Australian turtle eggs and their place in the divine plan, and another on why anyone who uses a Walkman will go straight to Hell. The gist seems to be that, according to a series of Biblical calculations and prophecies based on who begat whom and when, those of you who are a bit on the profane side have it coming in a big way - very shortly.

Thought-provoking stuff. On the other hand, a series of files I downloaded from the religion sections of CIX and CompuServe suggested that you haven't, and you can actually go and covet your neighbour's ox and handmaiden with total impunity. This is because, according to these files, the Scriptures are crammed full of inconsistencies and downright errors, putting rather a dampener on any fundamentalist interpretation. It looked as if my doorstepping acquaintances might have ballsed up ever so slightly. I put this to them when they duly turned up a week later.

Had they not assured me that the Bible was infallible? What was going on? Unless they could clear up the confusion, I'd have to phone the Buddhists instead. The taller of the two was a bit taken aback and whipped out an A5 size King James translation, but I countered with a mouse click. The HP500 sprang into life and spewed forth a long list of inconsistencies, together with their references. As each page emerged, my visitors studied the printout and made copious notes. In the end, they admitted this was a tricky one and said they'd have to consult with superiors and get back to me.

Which they did. Two days later, three of them turned up, this time with a bigger Bible. No mere pocket version this, more a divine almanac complete with references, cross-references, interpretations, and probably telephone numbers too. It didn't help their cause much, though. No sooner had they quoted Matthew 2:23 than I upped the ante by booting up my PC-based Multimedia Bible.

The Multimedia Bible is one of those pieces of software which can help turn even the dimmest, ill-educated individual into a total smart-Arse at the mere touch of a button. It's also useful for putting the fear of God into people, but not, unfortunately, in the literal sense. What I mean is, that its digitised Gospel readings sound like they've been recorded by a Mob enforcer. Verses like 'Follow me and I will make you fishers of men' are spoken in such a way as to seem more like something Don Corleone would say to his lieutenants.

You no longer have to know the whole Bible by heart to extract an appropriate verse quickly. Even references to the most obscure themes can be unearthed with ease. You want God's preferred brand of soap? Easy: type in a keyword and the answer pops up in a fraction of a second (Fullers; Malachi 3:2). Likewise, divine views on how to cook a goat (boil it, but not in milk; Exodus 34:26). With a bit of application, I'd imagine it would be possible to find a verse to reinforce virtually any prejudice or view. Enter 'egg' and you'll find what appears to be a Biblical injunction against meringues in the Book of Job - very useful for the calorie-conscious believer. And useful, too, for refuting the claims of fundamentalists.

The verse from Matthew they quoted at me reads: 'And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, He shall be called a Nazarene. It doesn't. There are no references to Nazarenes in the Old Testament, as I proved by doing a search on the word. Zilch: Matthew appeared to have screwed up. Similarly, with a mouse click, I highlighted completely different accounts of the Creation and Resurrection. And how do you fit all the animals of the earth into a boat just 520 feet long? They had to concede there were a number of questions that needed answering, and since they didn't have the answers to hand, they'd have to withdraw, re-consult and come back to me. I haven't heard from them since.

A petty triumph, but it points to what could be achieved. What if software manufacturers came up with a product able to see off double-glazing salesmen? Or a package that could analyse your lifestyle and finances and prove conclusively that you didn't need life insurance. It's a thought.