Hot off the Wires:

DAGENHAM:

With second-half sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1998, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's year 2000 cars.

"Road accidents have never been so exciting," said Ford vice-president of sales Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost year 2000 sales significantly.

"When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Starlight Express or a year's worth of free Shell petrol."

Though it does not officially begin until April 1, 2000, the airbag promotion is already being tested in selected cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said Sheffield's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won 50 pounds on Sunday when the Mondeo diesel they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.

"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Helen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

Bedford resident John Rogerson was killed on Sunday when his 1998 Ford Maverick hit a freight train. Rogerson won 50 pounds in the accident.

"It's really addictive," said Putney resident Marjorie Kemp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Starlight Express tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"

Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Ford Escort and drive it into a tree.

Ford officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car crashes, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," Ford MD Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new Ford car or van, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1998 Ford Scorpio, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse.

"If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion. Furthermore, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate.

"I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Ford Fiesta," said Southampton, resident Terry Polk. "My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate.

But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1999 Mondeo, won 100 pounds of premium bonds. That's just wrong."

 

 

 

Gimme the next joke

See the main page for copyright and contacts information.
joke44 joke43 joke42 Joke41 joke40 joke39 joke38 joke37 joke36 joke35 joke34 joke33 joke32 joke31 joke30 joke29 joke28 joke27 joke26 joke25 joke24 joke23 joke22 joke21 joke20 joke19 joke18 joke17 joke16 joke15.html joke14 joke13 joke12 joke11 joke10 joke9 joke8 joke7 joke6 joke5 joke4 joke3 joke2 joke1 The little cupboard under the stairs. Hi ho, hi ho, etc. Buy buy buy, err... I mean't sell....sorry. This way to the laughs. Everything about pinball joke21