The English Ceilidh Library Classic Texts
by Steve Harris
From time to time, we all fail to end up on the dance floor with someone we want to dance with. Sometimes we're left sat down when we would really like to be up dancing with just about anybody. This guide is intended to help.
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Note that this is not really an dance etiquette guide. In places, you may find it sexist, unfair and at variance with how you believe dance floors should operate. It's much more realistic than that! It is written in the context of English Ceilidh but I find much of it applies on other dance scenes. |
You'll notice that in most of what follows, I assume that men ask women to dance. Yes, I do know there are are alternative arrangements. To take account of that all the way through would be tedious. I have put in a few bits about woman asks man, etc. where it seems relevant.
Men have 15 seconds
Show the Lady
Don't beat around the bush
A Woman's guide to answering offers of a dance
Hazards of booking dances ahead
Finding keen dance partners
Dance with my friend
Troubleshooter
There is one very important concept that governs a lot of partner selection behaviour. Nearly everything flows from it and although it's about men, women do need to understand it.
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Men have about a 15 second window in which to arrange a dancing partner |
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I'm sure at this point, someone will come along and tell me about the time, back in 1993, when they found the most marvellous dancing partner three minutes after everyone else was partnered up. I'm glad you got lucky. |
The most obvious consequence of Rule One is that men should get themselves sorted for a partner quickly. It also has very important implications for women ...
Women! If you hide down the back of the hall ten rows deep in some seats, you will get very few offers. That's because the men operating Rule One don't have time to race to back of the hall and clamber over seats to get within asking distance. Instead get as close to the man/men you want to dance with as possible. Where to find them - see here. Always do your best to look like you are ready to answer "Yes!" to offers of a dance.
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Shoes, Clothes and Flesh for women: The higher your heels, the less dance offers you'll get from keen dancers. High heels are (perhaps wrongly) considered the badge of a woman who wants to be seen rather than to dance well. An accident with a high heeled partner could ruin a man's dancing for weeks. Low or no heels will suggest to some men that you know what you are doing on the dance floor. The same applies to clothes to some extent. It's not a bad idea to be reasonably eye catching but if you overdo it, men keen to dance may think you are more interested in being seen. If you bare your midriff or shoulders, many men will be wary of touching you there and may decide it's simpler to ask someone else to dance. |
Men, ask women for a dance directly. Don't waste time talking about the weather first. Go up to her and ask "Do you want this dance?" (Note: Don't ask for the next dance. I've seen it misunderstood, ask for this dance) Dealing with the answer is less straightforward:
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Answer |
Comments, interpretation |
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An immediate "Yes" |
Looks like you are sorted |
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An immediate "No" |
Slightly less good. Gives you time to look for alternatives |
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Mumbling, indecision, long explanations about needing to comb a puma in Leicester next Friday, etc. |
Treat as a "No" Do not hang around for the end of the story or to clarify the answer. You haven't got time. Remember Rule One ! |
In this day and age, answering "No thank you" is acceptable. Really! Do not explain. If a man stops to listen to your explanation, he may end up without a partner at all due to Rule One . If there is a particular reason why you want a man to understand your refusal, find him again soon when he is not in the 15 second window and tell him then. Even better, go up to him later in the evening and offer to do the next dance with him.
Be aware of the affect of saying "No"
What to do after saying "yes"
Dance floors can be noisy places and your "yes" may not have even been heard. Move towards the dancing area with the man. Possibly take his hand.
Do not back out from the dance you have accepted for any reason whatsoever! It usually results in the man being partnerless and sitting down for 10-15 minutes instead of dancing. Keen dancers will avoid unreliable partners.
Summary: Don't do it! It causes all sorts of problems.
You might think that booking up the next 3 or 4 partners is a neat way of avoiding all the stress of Rule One. Here's what often happens in practice:
Suggested gambits:
Tom: Would you like this dance?
Mary: I'm doing it with Dick, then I'm dancing with Harry, you can have the one after that
Tom: Oh no, that's too complicated, I'll find you again later
Believe me, she WILL be available without a queue later. Even spectacularly attractive girls work their way through those prepared to queue quite quickly.
Tom: Can I book you for five dances time?
Mary: That's far too organized! DO look out for me and ask again when you've got through all those other women!
Tom: Would you like this dance?
Mary: How about the next one?
Tom: Sorry, I'm booked for that, I'll catch you later.
E.G.: "Can I book you for Rosza?"
In some circumstances, it can work. Some (good) callers will announce "Bring your partners on the floor for Rosza" right at the start of the 15 second window and you can get the right people together reliably. If the caller likes to keep the name of dance a secret until the last moment, you end up on the floor with the wrong partner. Quite likely, someone will end up with no partner.
Suggested gambit:
Tom: Can I book you for Rosza?
Mary: No but I'm free for this dance now whatever it is.
First, a clarification: "Last dance" generally means the last formal called dance. There is a moderately strong convention of couples with a relationship off the dance floor dancing it together. The "last dance" is usually followed by a "final polka" where partner selection is more random. So, providing both parties and the caller play attention to the clock, it can work. But it's safer to use this gambit:
Tom: Can I book you for the last dance?
Mary: Book me, no, but if you're the first to ask me at the time, that would be lovely.
A woman may wish to avoid a particular dance, or figure altogether or wish to do it only with a particular partner. It's difficult, consider these example responses to offers of a dance:
The problem with these from the man's point of view is that he may find himself without a partner when it's too late to get another. A possible response to the Rosza Exclusion is, "No then, I'll ask you again when Rosza has been done". The problem doesn't arise if the caller always announces the name of the dance promptly. The caller can also help the woman who wants to avoid certain figures. Callers are quite human and if you explain the difficulty they might decide not to use the figure at all. Or maybe they'll tell you which dances are going to be suitable. Or maybe even announce, "Mary, this is one for you"!
I am told that in some cultures, to ask a woman for a third consecutive dance is tantamount to an offer of marriage. Although that's not the case with English Ceilidh, lots of consecutive dances may suggest to that a relationship off the dance floor is starting or in existence. The result is often that the woman gets ever fewer dance offers from other men. That may or may not be what she wants. I'd suggest that a woman who'd like to dance with a variety of partners doesn't do more than two consecutive dances with any one man. Perhaps the best advice for the beginner is to assume that you will be changing partners after the current dance.
Women can and do ask men to dance. Much of the foregoing applies. It's useful to both men and women if only because it exposes them to the experience of the other sex. Women also ask women. Men asking men is rare although it is growing amongst the younger generation. A couple of specific points:
In some places, asking a woman for a dance when she is the life partner of another man is considered aggressive and could get you beaten up. Even if you had no clue such as a wedding ring to guide you. Such problems are quite rare in English Ceilidh but a few tips:
Everyone at a ceilidh is keen to dance. Er, not necessarily. A few points:
…..she's very nice but no one knows her so she's not getting any dances
I used to accept such offers. Not now! It very rarely worked out well. Some thoughts:
Troubleshooter