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Private Eye Classifieds

Reach a wider audience --  your Eye classified ad can be repeated on this web page for only £10 extra per issue.

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PHOTOBANNERS for Mother’s Day, Weddings, Parties, Exhibitions and Displays -- 6’ BANNER with photograph -- £39.95 without -- £29.95 0121 241 7878 --

TITLES -- LORD, LADY etc. Tel/Fax 0800 652 6641.

EROTIC JELLY Moulds. Fun/gifts/parties. 01789 450201 --

CUP OF NICE HOT CYANIDE, ANYONE? At first sight: ordinary black mug. Add hot water: poison warning appears. Also available in nuclear waste, agent orange and semen. Non-toxic. £10 each. 020 8527 2513 --

THE INTERNET FLORIST -- Don’t forget Valentine’s Day! -- UK same-day delivery before noon. 0808 1 08 05 02

M.A. STURGE JEWELLERS. Something different, scrumptious, exquisite, handmade --

ORGANIC ALES fresh from the Highlands -- -- 01463 811871.

"WHAT A BRILLIANT SITE!" Shop for fun @


ACADEMIC DRESS INSTITUTE --  -- or s.a.e. CIL, 58 Haydons Road, London SW19 1HL.


VW GOLF 2.8 VR6. Black, two door. Only 52,000 miles, next MOT/Annual service due February 2003. Full service history. Sad to see it go. £5000. View Fulham. RUSHTON 020 7736 0179.


MEN -- RESPONSIBLE, APPROACHABLE, UNSHOCKABLE MASS-MARKET PUBLISHER would like to hear your sexual fantasies, for a forthcoming book project - from the sensual to the downright bizarre. Write anonymously if you wish but if you include a return address we will send you a free erotic novel, stocks permitting. Reply in confidence, by 29 March 2002 please, to: -- OR FREE TO: Paul Scott, Nexus, FREEPOST LON 3566 W6 9HA Personal information will not be kept beyond the length of correspondence, added to any database, or shared commercially in any way.


JUKEBOX HIRE for parties.  7” vinyl and/or CDs. Delivered. From £140 -- 020 8318 2852. -- CLASSICAL CDS, SHEET MUSIC and Titterton Violins. Tel: 01323 732553.


PIANISTS (GRADE 3 OR OVER). Try our relaxed, informal weekend at Magdalene College, Cambridge, April 5-7th 2002. Supervised by Raymond Banning -- “A brilliant teacher” -- Richard Ingrams. For more details call Ben Tisdall on 020 7436 8803.



REGISTER domain names for £10 and .com names for £18 for more details visit or tel: 0800 389 5815

CELLULAR TELEPHONE JAMMERS available for all European GSM networks - buy now at

NEED A NEW HI-FI? For anything from DVD to Minidisc, surround sound to CD -- nip down to RICHER SOUNDS and pick up the lowest-priced gear in the UK… GUARANTEED! FOR A FREE BARGAIN-PACKED CATALOGUE, call 0845 1 300 200.


Eye Read

PUNCH 1949 - 1985 Good home wanted. List / Offers

LEARN TO HAGGLE LIKE A PRO! Expert tricks and techniques revealed and explained in plain English. Save money while boosting confidence & memory too.

OUT OF PRINT BOOKS FOUND -- free search. No obligation to purchase -- 01376 562334. E-mail:


LIFE PAINTING AND CONTEMPORARY MOSAIC courses available - Languedoc.

GNOME STUDY cartooning courses by mail or CD-ROM.


PLACE YOUR SPEECH ON THE WEB. Tel. 07968-527 508 John.

LIMITED COMPANY FORMATIONS - don't pay your solicitor £100 for printing and signing a few templates... do it yourself with our company formations kit for just £10, AND discover how being limited could save you £4,102 in tax:

CRISIS MANAGEMENT -- Need to manage your bad news? Audit your business for risk? Limehouse. The crisis management company. We know what works. What doesn’t. And how best to get you through the problem. 020-7802-5460.

PROFESSIONAL LIABILITY CLAIMS. Lost out due to bad advice? Why don’t you sue your adviser? Contact GORVIN, SMITH, FORT SOLICITORS and we’ll do it for you. FREEPHONE 0800 214531 or E-mail

SPEECHWRITING by Britains leading professional. Laughter fully guaranteed! Corporate, Social, Political. Strictly confidential. Visa/Mastercard. Call MITCH MURRAY -- 01624 622660.

SORT IT! Obsessive-compulsive organises files, archives, libraries. Business or personal, computer or paper. Free quote. 07771 562863 --

ACCOMMODATION ADDRESS PRIVATE, DISCREET, CONFIDENTIAL mail/message-holding service, REGENT STREET. Established 1979. 020 7580 4242. E-mail: --


Eye Care

HYPNOTHERAPY WORKS! Come and see Jessica Richards in Harley St; London Medical Centre 020 7935 0023 --

VIAGRA. Medical clinic supplies genuine, UK pharmacy tablets at lowest overseas prices. £9.99 only for trial double dose.(100mg). Details from All Saints Clinic, PO Box 60-372, 8102 Paphos, Cyprus.

CLINICAL NEGLIGENCE CLAIMS -- Lost out due to incompetence? Why don’t you sue? Contact GORVIN, SMITH, FORT SOLICITORS And we’ll do it for you. FREEPHONE 0800 214531 or E-mail

UPRIMA -- KAMAGRA -- VIAGRA. Lowest-cost erection perfection. 0701 071 8424. EuroMed Overnight --


SOUTH WEST FRANCE Tarn Region -- spacious stone farmhouse, surrounded by own land. Lovely views in a tranquil valley. Near river Viaur. 2 double and 2 twin bedrooms. Large salinated swimming pool. Ten minute drive from small market town. Available June to September. For prices and brochure phone 0033 5 63765728.

COMFORTABLE HOLIDAY COTTAGE, SOMERSET. Glastonbury Town Centre overlooking Abbey near to Tor and Chalice Well. Sleeps 3. £165 per week. Phone 01234 211606 or e-mail: -- for Brochure.


FRANCOPHONES/FRANCOPHILES sought as guides aboard luxury river vessels in France. Demanding positions with successful candidates participating in daily crew life. May to November. Also opportunity for Spanish speaking "Hands On Housekeeper/Manager with excellent leadership skills for Paraguay. Apply to Carole on  -- or ring Di on 01252 703577.


Eye Need

MAGNANIMOUS HIGHER LEVEL PHILANTHROPIST ESSENTIAL to help liquidate £78k Mt Everest. Clydesdale 82-70-22, Acc 70505416 or Box 0248. Eternally indebted.

DIVORCED AND DESPERATE SINGLE MOTHER of two sadly overtaken by debt needs £15,000 to clear and start life in the black. Box 0547.

STRUGGLING ACTRESS needs £16,477.83 to get started. NatWest 60-30-03, 12253464.

ABUSED MOTHER OF SIX and children desperately need 35K to leave domestic violence to relocate. Account Number 78484650 sort code 60-14-37 --

STIGMATISED? LABELLED? SUICIDAL? So are our members. Club needs £25K to stop the rot. INSPIRATIONS: Sort Code 30-93-34, Account Number 0003936.

SMALL SCOTTISH ISLAND needs £50K to complete funding for Community/Heritage project. Information 01857 622282. Clydesdale 82-66-00, 00396614

DESPERATE FOR £24K funding for a fantastic TV programme. Can’t get backing as not famous. Please help break the cycle and realise a dream. Shared profits. BBC radio interviews agreed to promote once complete. Co-op 08-92-86, 23312005. Box 0348.

RARE PAINFUL SKIN DISEASE, aggravated by experimental treatment -- unemployable. Lawsuit unsuccessful, home endangered: £25,000 desperately needed. Bless you! 08-60-72, 3177537.

BAROQUE MUSIC ENSEMBLE recently lost £2000. Please support our recovery. Natwest 600423, 24018732.

EYE SILLY BIZ –I  want to write the book, how to be an alienist by George Pay-Me-Cash. I need a word processor. If the books sells you get 10%. Nick McKenna, 50 Pauls Moss, Whitchurch, SY13 1HN.

ANIMAL REFUGE NEEDS £30,000 to secure permanent home for it's residents. Cash needed now, eviction imminent, Please help. Visit Willows Animal Sanctuary Charity No.SCO29625.

FREELANCE COMPOSER. Business failed. £15,000 debt to clear before I can join VSO and make a difference. Barclays 20-20-65 70297712. Box 1445.

PLEASE HELP ME! Genuine, sincere woman in vicious circle of £16k of debt. Barely surviving. All I want is a fresh start. Please! 80-11-94 00216122 BoS.


PROFESSIONAL FEMALE, high earner but plagued by chequered financial history seeks consolidation loan of 25k to repay all debt & regain credit status. Refs. available. Monthly repayments of £600 over 4 years @ 10% interest ( £31,680). Genuine offers only please. Box 0246.

LIFE INSURANCE PREMIUMS KILLING YOU? Call our lifesaver line and we’ll save you. 01291 625683 -- BEAUFORT WALES LTD, Independent Financial Advisers. Regulated by the Financial Services Authority. -- also annuities and other stuff.

MAKE MOVIES British spy thriller seeks investors. a-list cast, experienced crew, pre-production completed. filming this year. CONTACT:


HARDWORKING PUBLISHER currently unemployed looking for work -- -- 01202 620929

RENAISSANCE MAN, 47, rendered incapable by diverse capabilities, seeks interesting (not get-rich-quick) part-time work in Cambridge area -

TOP OXFORD 1ST, FEMALE, 29, highly organised, articulate, fluent French & Italian, seeks interesting employment --


CHEATING PARTNER? professional semen detector kit gives you instant proof. 100% Money back guarantee. 01582 696911 --

PRIVATE DETECTIVE (James Black). ‘Privateye’s Privateye’. Tracing, recovery, fraud, -- -- 0121 247 2600


PLEASURE AND INVESTMENT. Autographs and memorabilia. Call Europe’s largest dealer -- Freephone 0800 731 0852 or


FLIGHT OPTIONS -- telephone booking service. Tel: 01432 851062, Fax: 01432 850722, HENRY ROGERS, ATOL 3793.


SOMERSET LEVELS. Two lovingly restored barns. T. 01823 491 405.


COTSWOLD GLIDING CLUB. 4&5 day holiday courses inclusive of all flying and instruction. Prices from £200. Tel: 01285 760415.

CRETE FOR LOVERS. Private village houses/hotels. Singles/Couples 00 30 822 032 030. --

SECOND HOME? FIRST STEP… Homes Overseas magazine -- now on sale from all good newsagents - for information on homes overseas exhibition programme.

LAKE BAIKAL - HAVE YOU A SENSE OF ADVENTURE? Discover the world's largest freshwater lake before everyone else. Incredibly beautiful and unspoilt.  Fly or take the Trans Siberian - let Alexander Loginov guide you on his boat for an exciting and unforgettable holiday --

DIRTY WEEKEND AT ROSS. 7-foot four-poster, real fires, sheepskin rugs, chocolate and wine. bar, sauna, qualified masseur, spectacular views. Brochure: 01989 562033.

LARGE HOUSE -- SEVEN BEDROOMS, pool, courtyards, walled garden, to rent near Carcassonne (Ryanair) --


CHAT ROOM 25p/min. 100+ girls online 24hrs. JCG, tn219dz, 09062 765 264.

CONTACT GENUINE SINGLE WOMEN & Men online 24hrs. 60p/min, JCG, tn21 8xz -- 09063 620246.

BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN LADIES -- Colour brochures, trips. No membership fee. Quick contact. Call Nick & Lilya 0113 2733442 (24hrs) -- -- The intelligent online friendship and matchmaking site for students and alumni from the UK's leading universities.  For all eras. IT'S A NEW WAY OF DOING AN OLD THING. -- you may just click! Our MutualMatch system is the world's most accurate. Currently bonus free membership period.

MATCHMAKER MAG for adult contacts: over 900 photos. APPROVAL copy from: MATCHMAKER, (S.76), Chorley, PR7 4BS. Or ring: 01257 480155 (24 hours).

FREE CONTACTS/ADULT PARTIES. Club membership pack: 0870 220 2527 --

BRAND NEW CLUB CONCEPT for broadminded adults /singles, gays, lesbians. Hurry -- limited membership!

BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN LADIES -- Colour brochures, trips. No membership fee. Quick contact. Call Nick & Lilya 0113 2733442 (24hrs) --

HEDONISM CLUB. Adult Parties, Clubbing, Holidays. 09099 100185 (75p/min) -- 

NATURAL FRIENDS - quality on & off-line introductions. Free brochure 0800 281 933 --

THAI PARTNERS. New ethical agency introduces your ideal wife. Brochure, video 07810 562024 --

THAI LADIES -- Superb videos. Colour brochure SIAM INTRODUCTIONS (established 14 years) as seen on TV (22 times!) -- 01689 860880.

ATTACHED? SEEKING ROMANCE? Call David at LOVING LINKS 020 7602 8727. Info line 0906 550 1361 -- -- Discreet dating at the speed of E-mail.


SPACECARD Roaming Business Card replaces ALL your information with one number that never changes. £19.95 at

CIX CONFERENCING lets you talk about anything, from Playstations to politics to pussycats -- with some of the best British brains. Fast internet access, helpline, e-mail, free software, webspace -- all at local call rates from just £7.34 incl. VAT a month. For your free CD-ROM call 0845 355 5050, or see

REGISTER domain names for £10 and .com names for £18 for more details visit or tel: 0800 389 5815.

COMPUTER TROUBLE? LET A GENUINE PC EXPERT HELP YOU with advice, installation, setup, programming and trouble-shooting -- and save yourself some big headaches. Call TOBY on 020 7229 3001 for friendly, professional advice.



YOU FEMALE -- married, unsatisfied -- me handsome, tactile, discrete, free daytime -- or Box 0647

ATTRACTIVE ‘OLDER’ MAN, professional, educated, married, very, very, very wide interests -- WLTM ‘older’ lady (50-65) years, married or single, for discreet uninhibited affair. You are educated, interesting and randy. Looks unimportant, passion is. Inner London area, preferably. Box 1547.

STRAIGHTFORWARD, responsive married man, 50, slim, seeks similarly disposed woman for adventurous, exciting sex. East Anglia. Box 1248.

TALL, FIT, HANDSOME, DIVORCED EX-DIRECTOR, 48, now semi-retired and with time to spare, wltm slim adventuress for laughter and fun. SW London --

NORDIC ICE MAIDEN seeks Viking warrior -- 28 to 42 -- for pleasure in Valhalla. Box 1148.

AS SPRING APPROACHES, a tall, amusing, successful, strict man -- Bristol/London, 40 -- seeks a naughty younger woman for passion and hanky spanky. I live life to the full: film, theatre, travel, eating out and eating in, nights on the town and weekends in the country. I am generous, romantic and good humoured and love laughter and the rich tapestry of life. If you would like a fun relationship with some spice then please contact me with your telephone number. Box 0148 or

MALE, FORTIES SEEKS OCCASIONAL DAY-TIME AFFAIR with smart intelligent attractive female, Edinburgh

NO BORING YOUNG FARTS, but a mature, amusing and educated man in his 50’s wanted by feisty, intelligent woman. Bristol. Box 0347.

NAUGHTY BOY, 39 -- extremely attractive -- seeks strict goddess for a fabulous adventure. Contact -- or box 0948.

MALE ENTREPRENEUR, YOUTHFUL (SOME SAY) 50’s, has time 24/7 for discreet no strings fun times with 40’s/50’s slim lady. Sussex, Surrey, Hants. Box 0748.

FIRM, SHARP, CHALLENGING, single and slim male looking for a curvaceous female, 26-40 with a genuine penchant for much higher heels/lingerie (do you exist?). I am a young forties professional with GSOH seeking mutual rewarding and discrete good times/relationship. Box 0448.

TALL, VERY ATTRACTIVE, n/s lady, 59, still sexy -- seeks ‘young at heart’ male with intelligence, wit and style. Photo essential. Box 1747.

Contact details and order form available here