THE TRUTH ABOUT CHealth
THE TRUTH ABOUT CHealth
Despite its name, Cemental Health Records in its original incarnation was only ever a cassette label; plans to publish sets of graphics and other such non-musical product à la Factory Records came to nothing, with the exception of one slim volume of verse.
Between then and mid-1988, CHealth released some 30 titles ranging from the bedsit pop of Ian Shuttleworth to the electronic eccentricities of Roy Watson, from the guitar jangle of Montréal combo This "Blue Piano" to the art terrorism of The Problem Of Pain.
We name the guilty men
Largely orchestrated by Shuttleworth and Problem Of Pain supremo Iain Walker, the small roster of house musos pumped out tracks in an often bemusing variety of styles, switching at the drop of a hi-hat between cyber-Goth, Europop and gleeful cussed-bastard noise, to name but a few of the genres they gave a thorough seeing-to. On the technical side, they fast learned to fake what they couldn't achieve with a front-room 4-track set-up, and produced some remarkable slabs of sound.
My name's Mike and I'm a third-rate god desperately creating cheekbones for the sick
CHealth's major claim to fame was having discovered and perfected the surrealist tape montage several years before DJ Steinski began experimenting with the same techniques in the field of hip-hop, and a good decade and a half before Cassetteboy became cult plunderphonic assassins.
We figure that, since the ceasefires in Northern Ireland seem to be here to stay, we can admit it after all these years...
In 1984, through the kneecap-protecting front label Constitutional Instability, a cassette single was released on which Ulster Unionist MP and Grand Master of the Orange Lodge the Reverend Martin Smyth was heard to declaim such gnomic gems as "I want to strain... strain... strain... so enthusiastically" and "I'm delighted to go boing boing boing boing" over a techno backing which included a scratch mix of Orange marching song The Sash.
Grandmaster Smyth (CON17) began changing hands surreptitiously in Unionist Party circles and was a succès de scandale, but was banned by Northern Ireland's independent radio station.
In revenge, the merry lads meted out the same treatment to the DJ who had banned it. After a single airplay, Get Well Soon, Bobby Ewing (SBAC(S)18) was voted to the top of the station's listeners' chart, displacing the mighty U2.
These and the label's other tape montages, from first faltering steps to Iain Walker's three-part meisterwerk The Vivisector, have now been collected on Useless Paraphernalia, Tea And Scones, A Musical Toy Pig And Three Oranges (EEG40). Plans to release a hardcore techno re-recording of Grandmaster Smyth were stymied by the loss of the vocal master tape, and anyway the good Reverend is no longer at the top of the Orange pyramid. (Makes it sound like he was perched on a supermarket display, doesn't it?)
Mortimer... we're back!
In 1995, fired by the acquisition of a workstationful of new technology, Shuttleworth reactivated Cemental Health Records with a selection of new titles, re-releases in CD format and compilations, as Thelma Cemental and Louise Health-Records slammed the pedal to the metal and hurtled over the precipice of a new millennium. And now, to cater to hi-tech 21st-century boys (and girls, and those of us who reject such mediæval concepts of gender), almost all of the original catalogue is now available in sparkling remastered CD form with bonus tracks galore!
 |
EEG36 Ian S. A Wordy Guy
"A wordy guy" is the verdict of Radiohead's Ed O'Brien on the label stalwart whose solo and collaborative work is showcased on this compilation. Originally released January 1995. |
 |
EEG39 Ian S. Get The
Chalk!! A dozen fine songs and some remarkable posturing. Originally released September 1988. |
 |
EEG44 Ian S. Nailing Down
Snowflakes Because it's my ball and I'll damn well play with it. Originally released March 1995. |
 |
EEG49 Ian S. Do You Have A
Younger Sister?. "Sinister humour is always a pleasure," reckons cult songwriter and Leviathan comic-strip artist Peter Blegvad of Chealth mainstay's last solo offering. Put more simply: Wile E., you are... a genius! Click here to go to the Younger Sister page. Originally released March 1996. |
 |
EEG50 The Silk Society Rorschach
Poetry. Ian S. teams up with disturbed young man Richard Hurst to create a dazzling, kaleidoscopic tiltawhirl of..., well, why not go to the Rorschach Poetry page for full details? Originally released March 1998. |
 |
EEG54 The Hat Factory The
Furiosity And
Wodness Of Mind. After all these years, CHealth's first all-new CD! Can you wait? Well, you'll bleedin' have to. All-new release. |
Each title comes with accompanying literature, and all re-releases have been lovingly repackaged to meet the exacting standards of today's consumers. (You never know, there might be some dim completists out there who'd want both editions of the little bastards.) CDs cost £3.00 each + 50p. UK postage & packing per title, by e-mailing here.
You may not have heard it here first, but now you can pretend you did.
Return to the Shutters homepage.
All material on this page remains copyright ©, and may be used only with the express permission of the author(s).
EEG06This
“Blue Piano” Exhibit A 
EEG29 Ian
S. Close Enough To Fun 
Includes
former cassingles CON17Grandmaster
Smyth and 